Published September 20, 2006
Gold-leaf shimmers in the darkness, like
gild on the sleek of her back.
We deal in treasure, here where
wild things sway and luster lingers
on the jaded stones – they’re glitterati,
but only for papers dipped in gilt [guilt] and
passion Sunday nights.
Count your wishes, Little Lulu,
for they are as precious as
golden glitter filling gloom.
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I agree with Snoink. once again you display your talent, but this poem does not reach its or your potential. 'Gliterrati' throws the flow, as does the guilt thing. And the last three lines are merely deadweight. I would certainly preserve:
"We deal in treasure, here where
wild things sway and luster lingers
on the jaded stones"
And refashion a poem around that, for that is simply beautiful.
Or, you could write it like "g(u)ilt" and combine them.
I like all the consonance used here. It gives it kind of a sway, as you mentioned. To me, at least. I think the rhythm of the poetry gives a good saxophone feel. Very cool.
Hmm... I would choose between gilt and guilt. Why? Because, if you say it out loud, it comes out the same, so the parenthesis are really not needed.